we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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