You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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