I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
this boner is exhausting
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
