Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
