whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
