When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
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Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
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All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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