I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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