Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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