Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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