apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
