seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.