Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.