3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
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of course. lets lasso hookers.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
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It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"