I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.