I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
