I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
