did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
