That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
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He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
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Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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