i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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