I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
