So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
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I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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