Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
