Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
