Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
