Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
