NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
