Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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