I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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