Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
