so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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