she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
