I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He passed out mid-signature
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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