I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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