I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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