Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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