Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
