Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
