rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
