just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
