bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
