dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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