From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
