paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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