I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
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Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
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I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.