yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
