cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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