It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
