you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
