Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
