My liver just broke up with me...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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