I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
