Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
