I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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