my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
