Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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