Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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