I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
