awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
