I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
